My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I AM VODKA MAN
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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