Pants 0. Shit 1.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
