Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
