Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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