im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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