We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
