dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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