I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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