So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
