i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
