In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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