I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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