I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
