you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
