Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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