seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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