Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
