my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
