Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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