I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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