Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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