dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
