New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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