Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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