I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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