So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
