ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
