So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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