can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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