I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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