i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
