I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
