:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
