Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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