Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
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Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell