what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.