We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
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Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
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It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.