there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
