I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
