When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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