he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Oh god it's open bar.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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