Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
