i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
