i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
