I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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