My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
