We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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