Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
