please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
