Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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