How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
