my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
