it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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