i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
