doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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