Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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