i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
