Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Houston, we have a blender
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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