Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
