Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
